Engaged Student In Jail
Dear Dr. Judy,
Q. I am a student currently incarcerated in the county jail, also I am engaged with the best woman in the world but we are currently having problems coping with the mistrust, the separation and most of all the depression. What would be a good way to deal with this problem from both ends of the rope?
Answer:
Maintaining any relationship is hard work and then add being separated from each other which really increases the difficulty. Mistrust and depression can really affect any relationship and I encourage you both to resolve these core issues prior to getting married.
My suggestion is to deal with the symptoms of depression first. It is very hard to work on relationship issues when one or both parties have symptoms that complicate their ability to cope and function effectively. Symptoms of depression that you should look for are: irritability, tearfulness, problems sleeping, changes in weight or appetite, fatigue feelings of worthlessness, and suicidal thoughts. The best way to treat depression is a combination of psychotherapy and medication. When the depression is under control it will be easier to deal with increasing trust and dealing appropriately with the hardships of being apart.
Trust is one of the hardest things to build with someone when it is broken. Just remember that trust is a choice and that both of you will need to work on this independently, as well as together. In other word, you have to be willing to accept that someone hurt you and that you are willing to give her/him a chance to make it better. Many times a couple tries to increase trust, but one individual has not accepted the previous deceit has happened and it is in the past.
Remember acceptance doe not mean what someone did to you is okay. It means that you know it is painful but you will not continue to choose to suffer. Acceptance is not easy, but it will get you on the way toward establishing trust.
Good luck with this difficult situation.
Dr. Judy Krings
Clinical Psychologist
Riverhill Psychological Associates