My Parents Are Getting A Divorce And My Family Is Falling Apart
Dear Dr. Judy,
Q. My parents are getting divorced. All they do is think about themselves. I’m fourteen with three younger brothers and sisters who all seem so upset. My whole family is falling apart. How can I help my family?
Answer: A. Talk about a responsible teen! I praise your empathy and caring about your family. Please understand that you can’t handle this whole situation by yourself, however.
As your question reflected, divorce is not something that happens just between mom and dad. Seventy-five percent of divorces occur in families with children. Everyone is affected. Sometimes parents get so caught up in their own mess, that they do not realize the emotional impact on their kids. Divorce is like a death. You may be going through anger, depression, and grief now, but sooner or later acceptance will be easier. Please know that it will get better. Once again, I praise you for not demanding attention, whining, or getting yourself into trouble during this extremely tense and sad time for your family.
To help your brothers and sisters, here are the following guidelines how different age groups react:
Three and four year olds often react by being nasty, irritable, or acting out.
Five and six year olds can also be angry, moody, restless, but can be encouraged to talk about their fears and sadness.
Seven and eight year olds respond with grief but later acceptance. By this age they know how to appreciate family, so it may take them a bit longer to adjust to changes in the family structure.
Nine, ten, and eleven year olds act with shame, intense anger and often tend to blame one parent or the other for the divorce. They often stay angry for a year or even longer and need a great deal of encouragement.
Teenagers also react with anger, depression, anxiety, denial, and guilt. Teenage girls often blame the divorce on their mother’s inadequacies as a wife. Teenage boys may feel very pressured to grow up quickly and assume responsibility.
I urge you to share your feelings with caring adults as well as other kids whose parents have gone through divorce. You already seem very responsible, but please know that trying to caretake the whole family can wear you down. Let others help you fill up your emotional tank, too. Get out of the house and take part in activities that make you happy. Divorce is a crisis that can lessen with time, so hang in there.
Dr. Judy Krings
Clinical Psychologist
Riverhill Psychological Associates