My Dad Has Started Dating Again
Dear Dr. Judy,
Q. The one year anniversary of my mother’s death was just a few days ago and my father has decided to start dating again. I feel really angry with him and think that he is betraying my mother. He does not even wear his wedding ring anymore. I am so confused and want to know if it is OK to feel mad.
A. First of all I would like to commend you on being able to identify that you are feeling mad. Any time we lose someone or something important to us, we experience so many feelings that it is hard to sort them all out. To answer your question, YES it is OK to feel angry that your father is beginning to date again. The reason I say that is because ALL feelings we experience are OK, even the upsetting ones such as anger.
Angry feelings only become a problem when we decide to express them in an unhealthy way such as being disrespectful to someone physically or emotionally. The majority of the time anger is an expression of the sadness that we really feel. We get sick and tired of feeling so crummy and depressed that the anger makes us feel more productive and powerful.
Think about the amount of time and energy you need to be angry with your father. In order to have that extra time, I bet you have been thinking less about the pain and sadness you feel about your mother being gone. It is very easy to replace sadness with anger and you need to make sure that you are not doing that for your sake and the sake of others.
Ask yourself, “Am I mad because my father wants to date again or am I sad because that makes the reality of my mother being gone so much more powerful?” Ask yourself, “Is my father really betraying my mother or am I just sad that the family that I knew and loved is changed forever?”
By exploring these questions you will begin to understand that you are still really hurt and saddened by the loss of your mother and you need to do some more work getting through that. The anger you are experiencing is a natural part of the grieving process and you should not be ashamed for having those feelings. The fact that you had enough insight to question the angry feelings you were having makes me confident that you will have the strength and courage to get through this difficult time.
Dr. Judy Krings
Judith B. Krings, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Riverhill Psychological Associates