I Can’t Believe It My Parents Are Getting A Divorce
Dear Dr. Judy,
Q. My parents just told me that they are getting a divorce. I can’t believe it! I have never even seen them argue. I am so mad at them. Now they are yelling at me because I don’t want to talk to either one of them.
A. I am so sorry that your parent’s decision has hurt you so much. The shock of divorce hurts almost all kids, and your withdrawing from your family is certainly normal. Hang in there, as things will get better.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to mom or dad, I hope you can find a trusted adult with whom you can talk with such as another family member, clergy, teacher, or guidance counselor. Please know that all your feelings are valid, even if you don’t understand them. It might also help you to write down your feelings in a notebook or a journal. You might also talk to other kids whose parents have been through a divorce, as they can offer helpful tips to you and reassure you that you will be able to get through this extremely difficult time. If you still feel mad, sad, etc., you might want to ask your parents to take you to a therapist to help the whole family sort through their feelings.
It is extremely important that you remember that your parent’s divorce is not your fault. Divorce is an adult decision. You deserve to have an understanding that they have grown apart, have made mistakes about which they feel they cannot cope with together, etc. I know when kids don’t understand some cause of divorce, they sometimes “mindread” the cause, (which may not be valid) tend to withdraw or conversely act out angrily, get low grades, etc. Please do not punish yourself because of your parents’ difficulties.
I strongly encourage young people whose parents are going through a divorce to try to keep the lines of communication open with their parents despite their hurt. Parents have a huge responsibility, also, to understand the pain that they have thrust upon their children whether they have meant to do so or not. Kids wonder if mom and dad no longer love each other, might their parents’ love for them decrease as well?
Some teens think that they have to be perfect while their parents are going through a divorce as their family is in chaos. I encourage teens to keep up with their daily activities, talk to their friends probably a bit more, and focus on whatever they can do in their own life to make them feel successful such as academics, sports, a school play, etc. When I work with teens going through divorce, I often use the phrase, “This, too, shall pass”. It will!
Dr. Judy Krings
Judith B. Krings, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Riverhill Psychological Associates