My Dad Works Hard But Gets Drunk
Dear Dr. Judy,
Q. My dad works hard, but gets drunk just about every night and on the weekends, too. I am sick of trying to take care of him as I am the oldest son. My mom just seems to put up with him, but I am so angry and frustrated I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just get drunk and zone out the way he does. Please help!
A. Boy, can I ever relate to you as my dad was also an alcoholic who worked long hours and binge drank on the weekend to deal with all of his stresses. Hang in there, because you can make it through this with some help from people around you.
As you know from experience, an alcoholic family is usually inconsistent, unpredictable, and chaotic. Working with all of these uncertainties often teach kids to protect themselves by hiding or denying their feelings. Your anxiety and anger are a normal response to all these factors that you cannot control. You are not alone, as over 28 million Americans feel the difficult impact of alcoholism. You may not be able to change your dad, but you can help yourself. You don’t have to be one of the statistics whereby you also begin to use alcohol, drugs, or have low self-esteem and bad relationships like many other children of alcoholics. You can stop the pattern.
First of all, search the internet or go to the library and learn as much as you can about alcoholism. Knowledge is power, you will understand that your dad’s drinking is his problem. Always know that his drinking is never your fault. Experts usually believe that the most affective approach to help children of alcoholics is individual counseling, group counseling and support from a peer group whose parents are also alcoholic. In self-help and support groups, you can learn that you are not alone, and you will be heard. Al-Anon groups are often specifically targeted towards children of alcoholics. Look in this newspaper for a listing of teen Al-Anon meetings. It is often a great relief to share feelings with others who goes through the same things you do. Expressing your frustration and anger will help you get things off your chest. Please do not mistrust your own feelings. Let other people who understand help you know that you are okay in expressing whatever feelings you have. This might be hard for a guy, but do it anyway! Other people will appreciate listening to you and learning from you as you let them know how unhappy you really feel. Please let those feelings rip whenever you need to, as they are normal.
Kids that live in an alcoholic situation like yours also need positive role models outside the home. Please try to get involved in other activities where there are mature, responsible adults who can give you the positive feed back that I bet you well deserve. Always know that you are not responsible for all of the mess that goes on at your home. Be the best person that you can be no matter how distracting your dad’s behavior might be.
When I was a teen, I was extremely lucky to have teachers and a mom who encouraged me to achieve. That achievement helped me feel good about myself and helped me overcome worrying about my dad. He was such a good man whose life went right down the drain due to his drinking.
I believe in you. You can change your life. If you parents won’t help you do it, please seek out caring people in your life such as friends, your pastor, teachers, other kids who parents are alcoholics, or anyone else who will lend you a listening ear. You deserve it.
Please break the cycle by not drinking yourself. You will never have to worry about ending up like your alcoholic dad if you begin to take charge right now and make a decision that you are going to be sober. Good luck to you, and I know you can do it.
Judith B. Krings, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Riverhill Psychological Associates