Why Won’t He Call Me?
Dear Dr. Judy,
Q. I really like this guy, and I think that he likes me. We’ve gone out together several times with friends. He says that he will call me. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn’t. I just don’t get it! What’s up with this? I just don’t know what to do.
A. I really feel for you. Nothing is more confusing and frustrating when you take a guy at his word, and he doesn’t come through. Whatever you decide to do, please do not sit by the phone and wait for him to call.
This guy already seems to be your friend, and it’s great that you have a group of kids that you can hang out with. Teenage guys often have a hard time with relationships just like girls do, yet they usually don’t talk about it as much. The next time he says he will call you and he doesn’t, you have several options. You can just smile and walk away.
You can politely give him what we call a “non-defensive response” such as “Really?” If you want to be very assertive, you could look him right in the eye and say to him, “You know, I am just not understanding you. We get along, we have fun with friends, and you often say that you will call me, but then I don’t hear from you”. Then wait and see if he responds to you. This might get interesting for you for sure. Get ready for his response, for it might be one that might hurt your feelings. If he says things such as, “Oh, did I?” or “I forgot about it.” or other excuses then you will know where you stand. Whatever you do, do not keep running after him hoping that he will pay attention to you or throw you a dog treat. Forget about him. Remember that you are a good person who does not deserve to be ignored.
One thing that teenage girls often forget is that it’s important to “keep the mystery”. Sometimes if you can act as if you really don’t care whether a guy calls you or not, he will be more interested in you. I know this may sound weird, but in the old days we would call this “playing hard to get”. It doesn’t mean being nasty or ignoring the guy. It just means that you don’t want to let the guy see you sweat or think that he is so important that it makes a difference to you. It may sound like a game, but many times beginning relationships certainly seem that way. Guys like a challenge, and if they think they have to work a little bit to get your attention, that makes it even more interesting for them.
Also remember that sometimes a really nice guy just doesn’t know what to say when he likes you as a friend but doesn’t want to take the relationship farther. Sometimes you need to cut them some slack knowing that guys are just as unsure as you are regarding how to handle some situations. If you think your friend is puzzled by your relationship, you might just take the bull by the horns and say to him, “Look, we like each other and enjoy being together, but why don’t we just be friends.” If he frowns just a little bit, perhaps you need to talk a little more with him. Even though you may be angry with him for not keeping his word to you, please never use sarcasm. That’s a sure way to drive him and others away from you. Good luck with your conversations. I bet you can clear the air.
Judith B. Krings, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Riverhill Psychological Associates, SC