My Parents Think I Am Shy
Dear Dr. Judy,
Q. I am sick and tired of my parents telling everybody that I am shy. I know that I am, but I am upset that they keep reminding me about this. How can I talk to my parents so that they will understand that they are embarrassing me?
A. If it’s too difficult for you to talk to your parents, please show them this column and then discuss the suggestions that might work for you. For the shy or introverted child, situations with other people often provoke anxiety, self-consciousness, and sometimes, even fear.
About 10% of Americans describe themselves as painfully shy. Another 40% consider themselves shy some of the time and an additional 40% indicated that they have felt shy on some occasions. Both boys and girls are about equally affected except in adolescence when extreme shyness is reported more by girls. Twelve-year-old females seem to be shyest. As you can see, you are not alone.
Children whose shyness begins in infancy appear least likely to outgrow it naturally. Never fear, however, as even the shyest child can learn to be more outgoing. The key is not to use pressure. Many parents mean well when they try to change a shy child but their pressure can create even more anxiety for the child. If a safe, relaxing, and caring atmosphere is proved to the shy child, he or she can learn to more happily survive using learned coping strategies.
A shy child will develop less anxiety in life if the parents will utilize the following suggestions:
• Never label your child as “shy”.
• Let your child know that it is okay to make mistakes and that everyone does so.
• Praise the child for everything he/she is able to do on his/her own but react indifferently if the child holds back. Never push him/her, which will only create anxiety.
• Encourage your child to have a friend come over to do a non-threatening activity. Offer to take the child to the movies, bowling, to the library, or just suggest a few activities, but don’t overwhelm the child with choices.
• Listen and interact with your child.
• Never compare your child to another more outgoing child who is in many activities or who gets better grades.
• Very carefully encourage your child to become active in sports and/or music, yet do not pressure them to do so.
• Never tease a shy child.
• Don’t put your child in the limelight unnecessary. Shy kids worry very much about what other kids think about them. They feel humiliation easier and more spontaneously than other children.
• Teach your children social skills such as how to look people in the eye and smile, that it’s okay to stop a minute before they respond, etc. You can also practice appropriate responses to others by role playing with them.
• Teach your child to be more assertive by using “I messages” such as, “May I please have a glass of water? Or “I am just feeling sad”.
• Praise your child frequently, especially when you see him/her with more outgoing behaviors which will hopefully increase your child’s self-esteem.
• Be genuine with your praise but don’t over praise.
• Plan ahead for social situations. For example, if your child is invited to a party, talk about the party ahead of time to help desensitize his/her fears.
• If your child is afraid to tackle a new activity, discuss aspects of the activity. Get as much information as possible so that you can teach your child to be more prepared. This will decrease nervousness or apprehension.
• Don’t make a big scene over report cards whether they are good or bad. Shy kids often feel extreme pressure about grades. Instead, ask your child what he/she feels about their report card and then talk to him/her about what you feel is appropriate or inappropriate. Remind the child that grades are his/her responsibility and that you would like to help in any way you can. It is important to note that some teachers inadvertedly think that shy children are not trying in school when the real issue is that they are too shy, embarrassed, or humiliated to speak up. Shy kids hate to make waves and would rather be ignored in classrooms than look stupid by giving a verbal response.
• Be aware that changing schools or relocating children between the 5th and 7th grade is extremely stressful to them. During this time, children develop very important adult social skills. Between the ages of 10 and 14, early adolescence, you can help your shy child overcome shyness, or you can watch your child’s shyness become much more pronounced. It is important to note that about half of all adolescents manifests some shyness while they are learning to identify with their new-found maturity including changing bodies, new social pressures and expectations, their own awakening sexuality, etc. It is great news that about 50% of shy teenagers overcome this adolescent awarkwardness and insecurity. Counseling can surely help the kids who still remain shy and socially anxious.
Tell your parents that you know they are trying to help you, and that you appreciate them reading this article. Parent can make a difference in you a shy kid’s life. Parents who work diligently with their shy child without pressuring him/her can help shift their children from the label of being “shy” to the position of becoming much less inhibited, more self-assured, and much happier. Good luck to you all!
Judith B. Krings, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Riverhill Psychological Associates, SC